"Modern SCO Executive"
by Rick Moen and Karsten Self
(with slight modifications by Charles Roth)

As performed by Charles Roth (and his motley crew) aboard
Linux Lunacy 3, somewhere off the coast of Alaska, 13 September 2003.

Listen to it, if you dare.  (1.9 meg)
Or sing along to the karaoke version (4.3 meg)

See sco.iwethey.org for an historical summary.

The Screen	The Crew	Linus

(The scene: Major-General Darl McBride has stepped up to the fo'castle of HMS SCaldera, which has just fought its first skirmish against the dreaded Pirates of Penguinance.  He prepares to hold a press conference address the troops.)

McBride:

I am the very model of a modern SCO executive.
Our market share is miniscule; our losses are consecutive.
But from our labs deep in U-T, you very soon will surely see
The ultimate, the pinnacle, in high technolo-barratry.
"Live free or die" philosophies are very well, but still, you see:
Our contracts and our trade secrets make Unix seem our property.
No matter what we really own (a question not rhetorical):
We have thirty thousand contracts, although most are quite historical.

Lawyer Chorus:

We have thirty thousand contracts, although most are quite historical.
Have thirty thousand contracts, although most are quite historical.
Have thirty thousand contracts, although most are quite histori-storical.

McBride:

While our profit's been elusive, our tort claims are unremitt-i-ing,
Blake Stowell's PR quota is still dozens at each sitt-i-ing.
In short, in matters litigual, continual, accusative
I am the very model of a modern SCO executive.

Lawyer Chorus:

In short, in matters litigual, continual, accusative
He is the very model of a modern SCO executive.

McBride:

Our history's mythological (per Eric it's not factual).
I answer simple questions with evasions indeciph'rable.
I'm quoted in the IT press, first one and then another way,
And if that's not sufficient, then Sontag runs some blocking play.

I'm not so good with copyrights, Novell's got those (they say to us),
Our patent holding's very slim, our valuation's perilous.
But please don't ever hit me with our POSIX system standard score.
I'm always quite confused by that infernal nonsense System 4.

Lawyer Chorus:

He's always quite confused by that infernal nonsense System 4.
He's always quite confused by that infernal nonsense System 4.
He's always quite confused by that infernal nonsense System System 4.

McBride:

The freaky hippie GPL, you'd think we'd never heard of it!
And all that code we say they took?  The Stevens book's got every bit.
In short, with markets minimal and losses quite consecutive,
I am the very model of a modern SCO executive.

Lawyer Chorus:

In short, with markets minimal and losses quite consecutive,
He is the very model of a modern SCO executive.

McBride:

Our name is S.C.O. (though we really still are Caldera):
Our Eighties business plan seemed good; there'll be no change from that era
That old IP that passed to us seemed ripe for legal mine-y-ing
We're not quite clear on what it is, but-it must have been worth buy-y-ing.

I look with great anxiety on Linux and on BSD.
I've signed up with the Devil: Chairman Bill sent a huge license fee.
He says he has a high regard for intellect'l property,
But I really haven't thought much what he'll do when he is done with me.

Lawyer Chorus:

He really hasn't thought much what he'll do when he is done with him.
He really hasn't thought much what he'll do when he is done with him.
He really hasn't thought much what he'll do when he is done with done with him.

McBride:

Our contract reach is deep and broad, and gives us exclusivity:
The lawyers tell us to shoot wide.  (Who'll notice things like privity?)
From the penguinista rabble, I've earned naught but opprobrium.
But dare I'll say I'm twice the man of anyone at I-B-M.

Lawyer Chorus:

But dare'e'll say he's twice the man of anyone at I-B-M.
But dare'e'll say he's twice the man of anyone at I-B-M.
But dare'e'll say he's twice the man of anyone at I-B-IBM.

McBride:

So though we have run quite amok, we readily will go away,
If for our worthless capital, you were this tidy sum to pay.
In short, with markets miniscule and losses quite consecutive,
I am the very model of a modern SCO executive.

Lawyer Chorus:

In short, with markets miniscule and losses quite consecutive,
He is the very model of a modern SCO executive.

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